What rhymes with “Parliament?”

I’ve been thinking a lot about what exactly I’m smoking — and no, not in the way of “health concerns.” I am thoroughly unconcerned with my health. I have more important things to worry about, like my break-until-Thursday relationship status, getting off Bard’s waitlist, and maintaining a healthy vegetarian diet. I realize that the last concern is heavily ironic, considering that emphysema or lung cancer will cut me down much faster than animal by-products clogging my arteries… I just don’t care.

Anyways. I’ll tell you exactly what I’ve been thinking about (aside, of course, from my break-until-Thursday relationship status, getting off Bard’s waitlist, and maintaining a healthy vegetarian diet): his-and-hers cigarettes.
Drink it in, my friends.

Think about it. I really think I’m onto something. I mean, consider the following situation:
You’re at the gas station with your boyfriend. You both need some cigarettes, but alas! — he’s a regular Camel Joe, and you? Well, you refuse to smoke anything that doesn’t have “light” attached to the name, in an effort to curb the inevitable emphysema. So, you send him in… because chivalry is alive and well, and also because you’re still a legal minor.
“One pack of Camel filters and one pack of Parliament Lights, please.”
CLEARLY those are for two different people. He isn’t fooling anyone. Why not simplify the process? Instead of “one pack of Camel filters and one pack of Parliament Lights,” why can’t we say… oh, I don’t know, “Hipster’s Delight?” Quite frankly, I think it makes a lot of sense. There would be other combinations, too — like, maybe Marlboro Reds and Marlboro Lights could be “Shoplifter’s Paradise.” Newports and Reds? “Clubgoer’s Remorse.” American Spirits and Turkish Golds? “Crunchy Granola 2-for-1.”

I really hope nobody steals this idea, because when I patent the living shit out of his-and-hers cigarettes, I’ll inevitably be filthy rich. I’m thinking I’ll use the money to build Bard a library… and then, they’ll be obligated to accept me.

Blum, blam.