True Life: My College Mascot is a Mythical Creature with the Body of a Lion and the Head and Wings of an Eagle.

Brief anecdote:
Today during lunch, I was crouching, catlike, on the floor of the student lounge drawing my Sarah Lawrence gryphon on the “Where Will You Be Next Year?” posterboard — when all of a sudden, someone asked me a question I was thoroughly unprepared to answer: ”what exactly is your mascot?”

To make a long story short, I had just sort of accepted the fact that Sarah Lawrence is represented by a gryphon. To be perfectly honest, I didn’t really know what a gryphon was. In the picture on the college logo, it really looks like a bird:

…I had definitely assumed it was a bird. It looks like a hybrid vulture-hawk, if you ask me.
But apparently, a gryphon is not a bird. Far from it, my friends.
A gryphon, dear reader, is a mythical creature with the body of a lion and the head and wings of an eagle.

My college mascot does not actually exist in real life.

Although I’m decidedly excited to go to Sarah Lawrence next year, I’m equally ambivalent about being represented by a mythical creature with the body of a lion and the head and wings of an eagle. Here, I will summarize the rationale behind these sentiments in a list I will call “Nine Reasons I am Ambivalent about Being Represented By a Mythical Creature With the Body of a Lion and the Head and Wings of an Eagle.” Bon apetit.

Nine Reasons I am Ambivalent about Being Represented By a Mythical Creature with the Body of a Lion and the Head and Wings of an Eagle.

1. Does it have talons?
According to the Wikipedia entry on “gryphons,” most contemporary illustrations show the gryphon with an eagle’s legs — yes, the gryphon has talons. However, in most older illustrations, the gryphon is depicted with the legs of a lion — no talons. Hey, Sarah Lawrence? Throw some talons on your gryphon before I get to Bronxville. Talons are intimidating, like the mythical creature equivalent of brass knuckles — and when your sports teams are already made up of 95-pound chainsmoking vegans with sleeve tattoos, your mascot had better be badass. And have talons.

2. Are they monogamous?
According to the aforementioned Wikipedia article, gryphons mate for life: so congratulations, gryphon, on your moral soundness and your happy relationship. I, however, am not a monogamous creature. If I was actually a literal gryphon, I would be the gryphon who gets ostracized from the gryphon community for refusing to mate for life. I can only hope that the Sarah Lawrence gryphon shares in my belief system — I genuinely hate couples, and I’m already ambivalent about the gryphon… so if the gryphon had a long-term boyfriend who it squawked around with all the time, I would probably have to transfer.

3. Do gryphons lay eggs?
Apparently, the egg-laying habits of the female gryphon were first described by Hildegard von Bingen. Now, I don’t know much about Hildegard von Bingen, except that she was a German nun around the 12th century and that my middle school music teacher made us spend about 8 weeks “studying” her “music.” If Hildegard von Bingen has any business with the Sarah Lawrence gryphon, I would like the affiliation to be made public now. Unless the gryphon renounces von Bingen’s support, I might have to think seriously about reneging my acceptance.

4. Why is the male gryphon called a “keythong?”
…I feel that this concern is self-explanatory. Let’s stick with “male gryphon.”

5. Exactly how rare is the male gryphon?
According to Wikipedia, the male gryphon is “quite rare.” I think I’m beginning to understand why Sarah Lawrence chose the fucking gryphon.

6. It’s not real.
Let’s face it, the prospect of actually being taken down by a gryphon is slim to none. Similarly, in fact, to the prospect of actually being defeated by a Sarah Lawrence sports team.

7. Probably carnivorous.
Lions eat meat. Eagles eat meat. Burger-flavored kisses.

8. Supposedly represents Christ.
…and I genuinely hate going to church. Shit, son.

9. Ugly.
And you know it.