WWLKD?

As of right now, I have decided to employ a new guiding philosophy in my personal life… since clearly my last one didn’t work out too well.

My new philosophy is as follows: for every situation I am in, I will ask myself — “what would Lil’ Kim do?”
I really think this is going to work out… because in every situation, the answer to the question “what would Lil’ Kim do?” is as follows: RUN SHIT.

Here, I will compile a list of situations I am currently in, and I will provide my new courses of action… judging, of course, based on what Lil’ Kim would do.

How to Better My Life Through Tactful Emulation of Lil’ Kim.

Situation #1: Waitlisted at your first choice college.
What I would do: Send letters, recommendations, and a fat portfolio supplement.
What Lil’ Kim would do: Threaten the local admissions rep. with your 12 gauge, then use your millions to build the school a solid platinum library and a stretch Hummer. If they still don’t let you in, dis them in the second verse of your next Top-40 smash.

Situation #2: Your male companion decides he needs some space.
What I would do: Cry a lot, try not to smother him, compromise my self-worth to maintain a functional relationship.
What Lil’ Kim would do: Kick him in the groin with your Jimmy Choo pumps, dis him in the second verse of your next Top-40 smash, embezzle money from his parents and use it to buy a stretch Hummer and some Louis Vuitton luggage. Sneak into his mansion and burn all of his clothing.

Situation #3: You walk into the student lounge, and everyone was clearly just talking about you.
What I would do: Turn right back around and walk out to avoid an awkward confrontation.
What Lil’ Kim would do: Ask rhetorically whether or not your sexiness is offensive. Debase everyone’s self-esteem by verbally flaunting your heated floors, stretch hummer, and Louis Vuitton luggage, then proceed to kick a bitch’s ass in your Jimmy Choo pumps. As a final blow, call the bitches out for copping your swagger in their videos.

Situation #4: A 200-pound man with frizzy hair and gaping nostrils somehow thinks he can flirt with you by touching you unexpectedly.
What I would do: Ignore it for as long as possible, then move to the other side of the room. Make rude comments when he follows you.
What Lil’ Kim would do: Slap him in the face, throw your Hennnessy on his Nikes, bust a quick rhyme about his lack of style and game. Tell all your girls.

Situation #5: Your parents say you’re grounded because you haven’t done Chem homework in two weeks.
What I would do: Cry a little, slam a door, curse parents for ruining life. Ultimately roll with the punches.
What Lil’ Kim would do: Embezzle money from their bank account, arson the shit out of their mansion, “beep-beep” your girls and stay high… until the next morning, when you’ll probably be grounded for an additional week. At least.

Blum, blam.