Dear Admirals…

UPDATE: I spent the majority of this weekend either on airplanes or in airports. I’m not complaining per se… I understand that air travel is clearly necessary when commuting from Boston to New Orleans. However, while I was traveling with my family, I became aware of something new and exciting: apparently, I belong to the Admiral’s Club.

What is the Admiral’s Club, you say? I will tell you: the Admiral’s Club is a club that people join in order to gain access to a special room in the airport with large TVs, leather furniture, and free coffee and “snacks.” Sounds appealing, right?

WRONG. The Admiral’s Club blows. I have no idea how much money my parents are spending to be members of this “club,” but in an effort to get the most bang for my buck, I will here compile a list of things the Club could do in order to improve their standings.

Ten Things the Admiral’s Club can do to Improve Their Standings in My Book.

1. Butlers.
Again, I have no idea how much we’re paying for this. However, it seems only fitting that a room filled with leather chairs and large TVs (and complimentary coffee) would also come equipped with servants to deliver the coffee to your leather chair so that you don’t have to take a break from watching the large TV. Quite frankly, I was expecting servants. And now I’m let down.

2. SWAG.
When celebrities attend awards shows and promotional parties, they often receive SWAG. When I go to the Admiral’s Club, I would also like to receive SWAG. Again, this seems straightforward: Admiral’s Club, you have let me down.

3. A Bowling Alley.
I’ve been sitting all day. On an airplane. As nice as your leather chairs are, Admiral’s Club, I would much rather bowl.

4. Vegetarian Options.
I’m hungry too, Admirals.

5. Smoker’s Lounge.
…seriously, let’s say my flight lasted 4 hours. WHICH IT DID. That’s a long time for some people to have to go. And now that I’m in an environment where it is technically safe for me to smoke, i.e. not on an airplane, I would like my needs to be facilitated. This doesn’t take much, maybe like… an ashtray and a sliding door to seclude me from the non-smokers. Get on your game.

6. Baby Pandas.
…what WOULDN’T be better without baby pandas?

7.  Cookies that are Not Pre-Packaged.
I’m PAYING for this. I don’t care if you feed me Nestle Break-n-Bake… but seriously, Chips Ahoy? On a glass tray? You’re not fooling me, Admirals.

8. Pool Boys.
I understand that there is no pool. What I do not understand is why this translates into not having pool boys.

9. Movie Theater Popcorn with Corresponding Butter.
…free of charge.

10. Real Admirals.
Who seriously knows what an “admiral” is? Personally, I think it’s some sort of military officer. Or something. Also, I’m probably the only one who doesn’t know what an “admiral” is. However, it seems fitting to have ADMIRALS in the ADMIRAL’S CLUB. Perhaps I am asking too much.

Blum, blam.