Contrary to Popular Belief…

…I am not good at everything.
This has recently come to my attention in a big, big way: not only are there some academic areas that I seem wholly unable to excel in, there are also some LIFE areas in which I fall seriously short of the acceptable standard. Because I like to flaunt my inadequacies, and also because I know you don’t believe I’m not good at everything, I will now compile a list I will call: Ten Things I Wish I Was Better At.

 

Ten Things I Wish I Was Better At.

1. Punctuality.
I’m never on time for anything. I always miss the first few minutes — be it a class, a movie, or even a first date, I guarantee you that I will roll up between five and ten minutes late. I’m not trying to be late. I actually strongly dislike when people attempt to be “fashionably late.” My continual lateness is just a genuine shortcoming — just once, I would really like to see what goes on during the first five minutes of any given event. I honestly do try to be on time. It just never works out that way.

 2. Not Falling in Love with Everyone.
If you were to ask me right now, I would probably tell you that I’m in love with anywhere between three and five different people. I can think of three offhand. I could probably think of more if I tried. While I’m able to consciously realize that being in love with everyone is wildly illegitimate, sometimes I simply can’t help myself. It’s not my fault. Everyone I know is worthy of being loved.

3. Not Judging You.
Sometimes, judging people can be fun… like when you’re sitting behind the glass at Coldstone with some friends, just actively judging everyone who walks by on the street. I feel like that kind of judging is ultimately harmless. I like to call it “people-watching.” Most people can keep their judgment under control, save it for “people-watching” episodes and perhaps the occasional “letting off some steam” type rant. Not me. I judge people ALL THE TIME. I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but everything you tell me gets judged. It’s not that I think I’m superior — very often, I judge people to be my superiors, mostly based on their clothing or their grade point average or what college they’re going to next year. The judgment is not always negative. But it’s certainly always present.

4. Being “Pretty.”
Before you qualify this as one of those standard teenage-style “I’m so ugly” rants, hear me out: it’s not that I think I’m essentially ugly or pretty. I just genuinely don’t understand “pretty.” Things that I think are “pretty” really just look ultra-weird to everyone else, and therefore, when I try to look “pretty,” I usually end up looking like a lunatic. I don’t understand what makeup is supposed to look like. I also don’t understand what one is supposed to wear to a “formal.” Or on a “date.” I usually look insane… and not necessarily in a good way.

5. Physics.
Physics is the one exception to my general abiding philosophy of “science sucks balls.” I took Physics last summer to avoid taking it during the real school year – go figure – and it was actually really interesting. The only problem is that I’m really no good at it. Here’s a secret: I’d absolutely love to be one of those crazy scientists who works on figuring out how to time travel or discover the Theory of Everything or find parallel universes. I’m just god-awful at Physics. And I sort of wish I wasn’t.

7. Not Yelling.
For what it’s worth, I yell a lot. I yell when I’m angry. I also yell when I’m excited, or when I think something is funny. I’m generally pretty good about not yelling angrily when I’m in a public place, but when I’m out and something is funny, I yell like you wouldn’t believe. It’s actually embarrassing. I have very little volume control.

8. Portion Control.
Let’s face it: I eat way too much. I try to control my portions. But I have no willpower at all.

9. Not Crying in Public.
Self-explanatory: shit happens.

10. Having a Work Ethic.
At all. Even a little one.

Blum, blam.