Goodnight: a Ten-Step Program

Why I Like Being Single: a Ten-Step Process.

1. SoBe tastes like ass and spices, and I don’t understand how it’s still on the market.
2. Using glass bottles for really cheap beverages seems somewhat wasteful. I don’t know how expensive glass is, or how biodegradable it is, but it feels pretty substantial to me.
3. I don’t give two fucks about the environment. I’d like to drive a hybrid car, just because it seems silly not to at this point. I will, however, leave every cigarette butt and gum wrapper that is readily at my disposal right smack in the middle of the sidewalk. Because I can. And I don’t understand how dropping my plastic spoon out the window of my hybrid car contributes to global warming… there, I said it. Shoot me, Al Gore.
4. I’m terribly afraid to swim in polluted water. Have you ever seen “The Fly?” I imagine myself looking like that guy afterwards, complete with open sores and missing limbs.
3. Ex-boyfriends are truly a species unto themselves. In addition to imagining myself looking like “The Fly” after swimming in polluted water, I imagine the majority of my ex-boyfriends looking more and more like “The Fly” for every second they continue to live after we have broken up.
2. The ex-boyfriends that do not belong to “The Fly” group are people I assume to have some sort of divine power. Literally. I’m pretty sure I’ve dated at least two or three people who could potentially be the messiah.
1. What would Hillary Clinton do?

Blum, blam.