A Probable Cause for Me to Not Date You.

I’ve been trying to think of an un-angry blog topic for DAYS, and finally, I think I’ve found one. I remember having a conversation with an ex-boyfriend a long time ago about how generic and unflattering most compliments are, and ever since then, my finely tuned compliment radar has been buzzing almost nonstop. While I enjoy compliments as much as the next person, there are some compliments that are just so generic and unoriginal that they make me want to projectile vomit. Thank you, fabulous ex-boyfriend, for helping me tune my compliment radar in order to properly detect blandness and lack of imagination in all of my potential future mates. This one’s for you. But not really.

Compliments that I am Not Flattered By, and that will Probably Cause me to Not Date You.

1. “You have nice eyes.”
This was the compliment that started off that fateful conversation with my least favorite person in the entire world. Every girl will ultimately believe that “you have nice eyes” is personal to them, because let’s face it — who doesn’t want to think they have pretty eyes? I certainly want to believe it. That’s why this compliment is so generic. You could weigh 400 pounds or have no legs (or both) and you could still technically have pretty eyes. Any compliment befitting to a cripple is just not winning you any points.

2. “You look a lot like ________.”
Thank you for telling me I look a lot like Mary-Kate Olsen, Zooey Deschanel, or Tyra Banks… well, probably not Tyra Banks… but oddly enough, I’ve gotten the first two before. And I look absolutely nothing like those people. Thank you for likening my physical appearance to that of a more attractive celebrity. However, I’m not flattered.

3. “You look a lot like my ex-girlfriend, __________.”
Some people really think this is a compliment. Seriously. People have told me this. Let’s look at this realistically: I have no idea what your ex-girlfriend looks like. I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt by assuming that she’s gorgeous. However, I don’t want you to insinuate that we’re dating because I remind you a little bit of her… which, in my mind, is exactly what you’re doing when you tell me I remind you of your ex. Probably the least flattering statement a potential mate could ever utter in my presence.

4. “Your hair / skin / figure looks better.”
Again: some people say this. I don’t think they’re joking. I’m glad I look “better” now, but what did I look like to you before? Any compliment implying that I was ugly in the past is automatically unflattering and terrible.

5. “Nice adjectives.”
I recognize that this is not a compliment related to physical appearance — however, 18-year-old males have an awful tendency to say absolutely anything you want to hear in order to get all up in your undergarments. Do I sound like a grandmother? Yes. On the other hand, do I wholeheartedly know this to be 100% true? Absolutely. Now, only two people in my entire life have ever looked me in the eye and simply said “nice adjectives.” The first is Baron Wormser. He’s about 110 years old. He used to be Poet Laureate of Maine. I like Maine. I do not blame him, nor do I assume he was trying to get all up in my undergarments. The second, however, was an awful ex-boyfriend who had asked to read over my portfolio. I don’t really care whether or not you LIKE anything in my portfolio, but I mean, come on — “nice adjectives?” I would have preferred “this is all a crock of shit.” Seriously. Never tell me “nice adjectives” unless you’re 110 years old and you have a super-cute Maine accent.

Blum, blam.